How to make an Elephant Laugh?

How to make an Elephant Laugh?

Elephant Talks-Ali Katha

Making an elephant laugh is no easy task but this is an attempt with the help of a tiny animal.
This sketch is long overdue and is to record the first death anniversary of an unfortunate (first in the history of Esala Perehara) Majestic Pachyderm at the hands of the all too important Diyawadena Nilme.
In the same spirit and enthusiasm I have to rectify two of my current lapses.
 

The first of it is that the local Microsoft cronies snooping on our emails surreptitiously.  I have many emails but intrusion to my privacy is the violation of Fundamental Rights of any living or dead soul. I have already rectified this by switching to Linux completely. Besides, I have dedicated this year for promoting Linux globally.
The second lapse is more than three years old. The delay is partly due to vandalism of my computer by local Microsoft cronies and goonies.

One of my junior academic partner’s son has asked him the English translation for the Sinhala word Kadde. He asked my the same question and I said I do not know but better transliterate the word.
 

Long time ago, I was recruited to the University of Ceylon, Peradeniya to translate medical texts and terminology to Sinhala. It was a difficult task and we spent sometimes about three months to translate a single word. These hours were spread on our free time and I detested wasting my time on flimsy things.          

I said it is far better to use the same word in Sinhala and the term transliterate was born, on the spot.
 

The plan was for the students to attend the lecture in English first and then come to me to listen to the translated version. My lecture was more of the question and answer session and      I deliberately used the technique of transliteration. These guys even did not know how to define the word define. So, in matter of three months, students were made to understand the meaning of technical English and nobody came to me on the second and third terms for translations. Translation was a waste of time but understanding of the subject matter was more important. This tenure of my work came handy when I decided to join the university much older.
 

The English translation that came to my understanding, three years later was “Pingo Man (Kadde)”. The credit goes to a Burger gentleman of Irish descent. He inherited it from his mother. The Pingo part may have come from either Vietnam or China. In any case it sounds Chinese to me, and with the ascent of the Chinese Tiger from the East, due credit should go to China, if for any reason, it has any connection to the birth this word like Ying and Yang.
 

Coming back to the pachyderm, the treatment it gets from the mahout and the tourist local and foreign is less than desirable, to say the least. I can very well remember, once I had a not so healthy argument with a lady doctor from UK who was voicing the same concern I raise now, nearly 20 years ago. She said that, it is violation of Animal Rights and using them for long hours without due concern is inhuman which I fully endorse without reservation, now. These animals are ill treated to during Perehara time to please tourists.
 

I still have a picture of this lady on an Elephant at Elephant Bath (now non existent) and I have never climbed an elephant in my life. I have another dispute with this lady. I said,       I admire this majestic animal so much that         I cannot think of climbing on one of them (not at all fear) and pretend that I, the man is big or bigger than this majestic animal. She of course did not have an answer to my unexpected impromptu but nevertheless she of course enjoyed the ride, thoroughly.
Coming back to making an elephant laugh, none in the list below can do that.
1. Diyawadena Nilame is out on the first count. He goes into historical record for the the first death of an elephant who participated in this annual event.
2. Mahinda Rajapaksa cannot achieve this since the two legged elephants under his fold are crying for cabinet posts.
3. Ranil Wickramasinghe cannot achieve this task because he is making all elephants past and present cry in vain.
4. I cannot do that since when I go near an elephant garbed in surgical gear, even a tame elephant gets angry.
5. Gecko cannot.
6. A chameleon cannot.
7. Spider cannot.
So who can do that?
I have found one by accident.
This was an special ant.
He happened to be in my cup of tea.
I asked the fellow what on earth you are doing on my cup of tea?
he looked at me and said, look guy I may be small but I have made an elephant laugh. That made me to open my eyes wide.
I told him, I give you a grain of Palawatta sugar for the vital information and the top secret.
He took a meditative breath and with a little smile, he told me it is easy as a grain of salt.
I did make an elephant laugh an year ago. Of course, the elephant did die with this laugh.
Mt gray matter started working with a gush of pure blood not polluted by Americans.
How come?
He said when the Kandy Veterinary Surgeon was attending to the dying elephant he hide inside the ear. The elephant was crying due to poking of all holes of the elephant, including the nose. When the veterinary surgeon was gone he came out of the hiding place to inquire why he was crying.
The elephant said to the ant in slumber, these guys even not let me sleep my last nap with poking and probing.
Suddenly the ant realized, he is having the last conversation with this majestic friend. The ant whispered to the elephant “Buck up guy, if they take you to the Intensive Care Unit, I’ll give all my blood to save you”.
To this elephant could not stop laughing.
He took the last breath laughing and ended up in heaven.
The moral of this story is when one is dying only the little ones are near you to console. Little things can make one happy but certainly not doctors without humour.
Small is beautiful.
 

For the green two egged variety, the little grass root variety is the one that matters come elections, not the ones who are residing at Diyawannawa or the Diyawadana Nilame of the “Temple of the Tooth’.  


PS
The reason of the said elephant death was due to negligence including dehydration and poor care.

Origin of Lies

 Origin of Lies

I did a little research recently to see at what stage when children start to lie. With my experience of children under 12 who were at one stage or another sick, I never felt children (unlike adults) lie either with symptoms or complaints, especially when they are in hospital.

For that matter the best history of appendicitis was obtained from a child under five, who happened to be one of my professors youngest child.

It was a textbook history.

As a medical student I made my diagnosis without a hitch.

He said, the pain was there and it is here now, pointing to the left iliac fossa. I gently kept my hand over the iliac fossa and looked at his face to see his reaction which was one of fear. I did not probe anymore but called the senior guy on call. Next thing that happened was I was given the task of explaining to him the evolving scenario.

I decided not to lie but to explain in simple English the next stage of the hospital stay.

I explained my own terms that we need to take a little finger (appendage) like thing inside his tummy out without any further do and he will be out of hospital soon. We would like to do that in his sleep and he would not feel any pain or discomfort.

Then, when he wakes up, his tummy would be little sore with a big plaster over a little cut where he had pain before.

Without much a do we took him to the operating theater and all went well in a matter of hours.

Mixing words with no meaning is probably the beginning of Grand Old Lies and it is Grand Old Party Symbol of Ceylon.

Sometimes, it is the grand old grandfather who confabulates even without a bit of spirits to elevate his moody moods of old age. With senile dementia catching up with age there is no return to reality of young age. He has already forgotten childcare and his childhood memories.

My maternal grandpa was a real gent but my paternal grandpa was a different kettle of fish who was indifferent and messed up with his life and health in general. He had frequent hospital admissions. I had to go and see him in hospital ever so often.

The fairy tales (with tails tagged) often of religious verbosity from Church, Temple, Kovil and Mosque that insinuate the young minds are an extension of the Lies and Life in particular.

Then we have the teachers, lawyers and politicians adding their bit to the global trading of lies. Every Tom and Dick take their appropriate place in our history.

Sometimes, the history itself is a grand old lie concocted long after the demise of the Kings and the Queens.

Sometimes, it is the religion, sometimes it is the race and sometimes it is the gentry of Kings and Queens.

The young kid begins to realize it is the way of life of adults and why not I emulate their traits.

At least till the age of 3 years, children do not have the traits of lies mapped in their brains or in their genes.

It is the very environment with the mother and the father adding their little tales like you came out from the belly button that initiate the grand old lies.

I often begin to think, even inside the uterus, the foetus hears a good dose of lies and he or she is not immune to, in his or her fluid environment that transmit sounds and ultrasounds very well.

The adults who invent and invest on lies and soon he or she begins to realize that to get a good school and then later to become a politician the concepts of lies is the fundamental prerequisite.

From home to preschool to national school lies get bigger and bigger and better and better and the entire country is ridden with lies.

The story that a kid was lost in a balloon illustrates the fact that, given the opportunity the kids do not lie. The little kid spilled the beans when he said, “We did it for a show”.

At the beginning it was for publicity but later the very survival of the story was at jeopardy.

With the election campaign in hot pursuit we must train the next generation of kids to lie and not get caught like the kid in America. We must send our kids to America to learn the tricks of the trade.

Granny Award

Granny Award
 

This is an old piece rendered to suit current political climate in Ceylon

I intend to award a ‘Granny Award” in my mother’s name who is in her early nineties (please note she is no more, I thank God for early departure) to any person who comes up with an English Drama based on the stages mentioned below.

The contents are “Open Source” authorized generally under Linux GPL Convention.
 

1. Originator, unknown Ceylonese author in his late nineties (I claim he is not my father).
 

2. Rendering by a bookshop assistant who wishes to be anonymous.
 

3. This edition is by me (mini-me version) and Baba (one of my dear friends who is no more with us) version, Samba, Bimba, Zimba, Sinha Bar (Lion Bar), Ali Baba (Kandy Elephants) and Hora Baba versions or any Ceylonese Unborn Baba version can participate in future development of this animal story (copyleft).

The Big Daddy version is only for private consumption of my friends, especially after a suitable spirit beverage from abroad not with Ceylonese Dust Tea (not Tiger Wood’s illegal TEE).

Currently the “Pothe Gura” is me the current author.

Evam Mesutham Ekam Samyam!

So said and so heard.
 

1. I was privy to a Relay Carnival (passing the buck, really fast, like the hedging deal) in the Animal Kingdom (they are more humane and eats only when hungry).
 

I was the only Ceylonese selected by an island wide Lottery conducted by Hela Karumaya or Urumaya Surekuma Undertakers (HUKU-SUMU for short).
 

2. I was on holiday in a Forest Reservation (Jungle Habitat) or what is left of it.
 

3. I observe an elderly (prostate enlarged) Peter Rabbit grazing.
 

4. Jack the Jackal (with financial interests in Ceylon and USA) greedily waiting for an innocent prey.
 

5. Scene of Jackal chasing the Rabbit (both hip joints replaced by bionic prothesis delivered by a Television Giant of Ceylon).
 

6. Blind Forest Hermit (Herman Hermit) descends from heaven and land on a busy Tri-Way  Junction (Thun Man Handiya)
 

7. Rabbit approaching the hermit in break neck speed without a crash helmet.
 

8. Rabbit jumps over the hermit visibly shaken up and annoyed.
 

9. Lands a squirt of Holy Water (urine for short) right on the nose and mouth.
 

10. Hermit really thinks that the water is  really “Holy” has come from heaven and ascends to a Lower Jhana.
 

11. Jackal approaches the hermit at the junction with bionic speed and put on breaks and crashes.
 

12. Jackal licks the nose and face of the hermit.
 

13. Hermit attains a Higher Jhana.
 

14. The angry Jackal then takes a little bite of the forehand of the hermit.
 

15. Hermit is rudely awakened from his Transient Ishaemic Attack (T.I.A).
 

16. Jackal reprimands the hermit.
 

“Why don’t you stay few feet above the ground”.
 

17. Well, I was thinking about my Bank Balance of Merit (Pin with a PIN number) in Seylan Bank and settle where I ought to be was his answer.
 

18.“Well then, did you see a rabbit running this way?”
 

19. Yes, Yes, I heard an animal running past but I cannot say what species he is but I can very well tell you he is a male.
 

20. You say you are a hermit and blind.

How can you see the sex of the animal running fast in your meditative mode.
 

How come?
 

21.  didn’t the master tell you, it is inappropriate and illegal to think about SEX in meditative trance.
 

22. We animals think of sex, only when we are in full flow and not otherwise jackal proclaimed.
 

23. Can you tell how the blind hermit instantly guessed the sex of of the fast moving passerby?

The rabbit whispered a phrase to the hermit while passing which is what a guy chased by the policeman in Ceylon says in retreat!

Help;
Nothing to do with urine or prostate gland and due to some other reason.
 

Postscript:

Purva-Bhava Connection
 

1. The hermit was a traffic warden, an active member of Hela Urumaya who went to heaven for a short stay and regressed back to earth for more merits.
 

2. The rabbit was a monk who went in search of emancipation to Ceylon parliament and deposited his hard earned “Pin Keta” money in a private bank.
 

3. The jackal was a Private Banker in Ceylon, better than an American swindler.
 

4. I was the CNN Reporter Assistant (only doing editing) of I-Reports.
 

Corollary
Only a male jackal with large prostate can squirt a healthy vigorous stream while running an a human cannot.

The rabbit in this story did it due to fear.